i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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