I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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