I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
