Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
