Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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