Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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