i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
