Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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