Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
only if we run a train.
done.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
