Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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