I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize