4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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