She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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