So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
