Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
