I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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