cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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