Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
