my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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