Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Can't talk, ducks in the car
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
