So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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