I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
