ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
