I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
