umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
