I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
