Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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