There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
