You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
