omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
