i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
