On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My feet surprised me
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