I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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