dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
