Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize