fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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