it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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