I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
