This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
