Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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