I don't usually arrange sex via text message
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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