I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Vodka?
Forever.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
