I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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