It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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