watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
