I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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