oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
