True but thats because hes a fetus.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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