So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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