My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
