There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
