Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
