did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
