Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
