i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
