Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
