All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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