I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I had to cum in my sink.
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