I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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