if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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