I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
