i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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