you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize