My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
