And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
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